人生をだいなしにする「怒り」を鎮める5つの方法 単行本 – 2000/11
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From road rage to confrontations in the supermarket line, we live in sensitive times, and it takes almost nothing to light someone's fuse. Whether you're feeling manipulated or bullied, learn how to resolve conflict in yourself and with others using the techniques found in Hot Buttons.
Sybil Evans, "The Conflict Coach," helps you recognize what pushes your hot buttons and how you can turn them off -- without alienating people or pressing their buttons. You'll learn that conflict can be energizing, inspiring, and even sexy, if you know how to harness it.--このテキストは、ハードカバー版に関連付けられています。 商品の説明をすべて表示する
In other situations, someone does something that causes you extreme annoyance, causing you to blow up. What should you do next? How can you avoid that happening routinely?
'This book is not meant to solve the cosmic problems, but it can teach you how to turn off the triggers to boiling points.' I found this book to be a very useful set of tactical tools for dealing with yourself and others to supplement the excellent concepts of self-improvement in Relationship Rescue. If you liked that book, you will like this one also.
'If someone misunderstands, insults, ignores, or irritates us, we feel hot surges of anger in varying degrees.' 'When someone pushes one of your hot buttons, it makes you a little crazy . . . You explode.' 'There's explosive anger and contemptuous anger, revengeful anger and embarrassed anger, repressed anger and expressed anger -- and they all look different.'
Where do hot buttons come from? 'Hot buttons are born from our earliest experiences in dealing with conflict.'
What's the answer? 'Attitude is a choice.'
Here's how the book is organized:
Chapter 1 -- What's a Hot Button?
Chapter 2 -- Hot Buttons Everywhere!
Chapter 3 -- How Buttons: Hazardous to Your Health!
Chapter 4 -- What Pushes Your Buttons?
Chapter 5 -- Hot Buttons and Intimacy
Chapter 6 -- Hot Buttons and the Family
Chapter 7 -- Hot Buttons and Children
Chapter 8 -- Hot Buttons and Friendship
Chapter 9 -- Hot Buttons and the Workplace
Chapter 10 -- The Magic of Your Mind
Many of the chapters contain quizzes to help you self-assess your tendencies. Almost all of the chapters contain case histories of conflicts that often arise, and use a five-step process to resolve these conflicts. Some of the chapters contain information about annoying public situations and suggest scripts and actions to handle them firmly and politely. Chapter 10 gives you ideas for expanding your ability to choose your reaction, such as various types of meditation, thought switching, breathing exercises, taking physical action, changing your activity or focus, and keeping a journal to study your reactions. The Resources section points you to other books that can help.
The book's core concept is to develop cooperative collaborations that generate win-win solutions that everyone wants to implement. These are built from a five-step process:
(1) Watch what's going on like you are part of an audience to a play so you experince 'detachment and objectivity.' This helps calm you down.
(2) Confirm the validity of the other person's point of view to them in order to help calm them down and positively engage their attention.
(3) After the other person's anger is sufficiently diffused, ask questions neutrally and respectfully to get more information.
(4) Assert your own interests and needs in terms of the other person's perspective and story. The other person now listens to you because you first listened to them.
(5) Find common ground for a solution. Brainstorm possible solutions, then deal with both of your issues to find the optimum ways to build a win-win direction that works well.
You can use many of the negotiation books to get ideas for how to enhance step five, such as Getting to Yes and Beyond Winning.
I liked many things about this book. First, it is multidimensional. You get ideas for lots of different kinds of situations and relationships. I could not think of very many circumstances that were not addressed somewhere in the book. Second, the advice is solid. Third, the many case histories help you get a feeling for how to use the master process recommended here. Fourth, you also find out how anger hurts your health, and these harmful patterns are formed. That knowledge will give you an incentive to change that you will need. Fifth, the book has a humane tone and orientation to it. Sixth, the self-assessment helps you internalize which lessons are most important for you to focus on.
I am reluctant to quibble with the book at all, but I could not resist one. The scripts often end up with a bit more of a zinger than is needed to get the other person's attention or to solve the problem. You can handle the described situation with more consideration, understanding, and respect. If you do, things will work out even better for you. Most of the time, the person is not intending to annoy you. If you act nicely towards them, they will act nicer towards you in reciprocation because you did so and because you gave them the benefit of the doubt in acting as if they are really a thoughtful, considerate person.
After you read the book, my suggestion is that you write down the hot buttons that cause you to lose it. Then go to the people who normally bear the brunt of this (such as your spouse and family), apologize, and explain what is going on. Tell them you want to change, and ask for their help. Suggest better ways for them to handle you, and ask for suggestions about how you can annoy them less. The improvement in your emotional environment should be palpable. Have a wonderful time after that!
Live long and prosper in the absence of hot buttons!!